I have been having a hard time falling asleep and that night was no exception. My mind just wouldn't turn off. My thoughts took me on a path that led to my mom. This seems to be occurring more and more frequently. Perhaps it is because I have been going through a difficult time and could use some motherly wisdom. Perhaps because the holidays are near and that means more family gatherings with a distinct and unforgettable void. Perhaps because in a little over a month it will have been one year since she took her life.
I tried to sob silently, so that I wouldn't bother my sleeping husband. My plan didn't work. After telling him I was thinking of Mom, he quietly held me in his arms until I fell back asleep.
When I begin to take inventory of my plights over the course of a year, I feel sorry for myself. There are not many who can say six months after their mother committed suicide, they found out they were expecting their fifth child and three months later their oldest son (6) was diagnosed with cancer. I used to think my life was boring; that I had no life-lessons to speak of that would contribute to the lives of others. I am coming to the realization that there is a reason that no man is an island. We are here to help and lift each other. My ability to relate on a very personal level to a range of other people has been extremely elevated over the course of just one year.
Yet, as I am still struggling, I can think of plenty of other people whose box of rocks I would rather not have. I think we all can... and for good reason. God, in His infinite wisdom and mercy, allows us to be tried and tested on a case-by-case basis to help each of us individually reach our fullest potential. Compassion is developed with long-suffering, patience with endurance, wisdom with experience. Our trials refine us, if we let them.
Many people ask me how I do it, how I am not a bitter basketcase. These eternal truths are the only things that help me daily climb out of the pit of despair: Faith in my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and my testimony of God's Plan of Happiness.
12 comments:
That is a lot to deal with in just one year. You are such a strong and amazing woman. We are thinking of you guys and praying for your beautiful family. Wish we lived closer to be their on Saturday.
Taren Morris
I love you big sis! I'll give you a big hug on Saturday...
Thank you for your testimony.
So touched by this Leigh Ann! I have always admired your strength and testimony, but lately I am in AWE of all that you do and how well you seem to hold it together. You are an example to so many... but those little children of yours and that fine man you married are truly blessed to have such a strong woman in their lives.
Thank goodness you have the gospel! You're still a strong woman and, in my eyes, are enduring your trials better than most would.
I'm excited to see you and your family on Saturday!
I think you're amazing too, Leigh Ann. You have such a great attitude about all of this. You've been through things in the past year that most of us will probably never experience during our whole lives, and all you can say is that these are "refining" experiences. You're an example to me of how I should be handling my trivial trials. And I'm with Janet - you're little family is so blessed to have you during this hard time.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings! Our prayers are with you everyday!
Krista
We had a year like that, 2005. I was so glad when it was over. All we can do sometimes is hope that we won't be left in that refiner's fire for too long at a time right?
My husband prayed for patience at the beginning of his mission. He learned a lot but now is more careful what he prays for. He says that if I ever decide to pray for patience or something like that to tell him first so he can brace himself.
Leigh Ann, I have always been impressed by your quiet testimony. And now, that testimony is the only thing that will pull you through all of this in your life. May the Lord carry you during this "moment" that too, shall pass. (D&C 121:7) Love you!
What a touching post, Leigh Ann. I'm sitting here crying, and feeling grateful for your example of faith and patience, and love. You are an amazing person. Even when I first met you I felt that about you. My heart goes out to you, and I pray for you and your family often. Thank you for opening up and sharing your testimony and thoughts on this blog. They make me want to be a better person.
I finally found you blog! I just love you! You are one awesome woman. I hope things are continuing to look up for your family. And P.S. I now have my food storage cook book - Your blog! Awesome.
Leigh Ann... you are an amazing woman! I love you! I miss seeing you on Sundays.
Thank you for your post!!!
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